It has been 5 months since my engagement.
These 5 months have been challenging, exciting and more challenging. Challenging not by being in the relationship but as individuals, taking responsibilities, finances, emotionally, physically and planning. All these have been part of the excitement especially being able to grow as friends and talking about everything.
It is so easy to be desperate for a ring, but there is so much that goes into it that a lot of times we find ourselves unprepared for. We desire to have that significant other, forgetting to desire to be able to keep that significant other. It is one thing to have or be in possession of something, but it is imperative to think beyond “possession” to maintaining and nurturing that someone. Any one can have a thing but not everyone can keep that thing. It is like going to school, you get admitted and enroll but being awarded a degree is another level. The most hurdles come from finishing, from going beyond dating to courting to marriage, to death do “us” part.
Today, we see many elaborate weddings with two amazing planners, but lacking the ingredients for sustainability — the force to stay when the wind gets unbearable. The ideology of “I need to be married” and having someone to show off with is cute and will attract social likes (instagram/facebook), but it can also wreck your future. Instagram is a platform where you see what people want you to see. Stop being fooled. Some peoples lives are far more vibrant and exciting online than on real life.
We must find and ensure that in all our seeking for “love”, our motives are well aligned.
‘I want a ring, I want a ring’. Girl, buy yourself a ring and continue to develop yourself. Often times it is not because a man is broke or doesn’t know what he wants. It is just that he is considering so many things. Can he keep you? Can he maintain you? Can you build together. For them, it goes deeper than your sexy booty dance and contours and clout. I find men to be straight forward, calculated and careful. When a man needs to make a decision, he makes it with a goal in mind. On the other hand, women are more sentimental, we consider the thoughts of others; you’re in an unproductive relationship yet believing the man will change or you’re dating a married man and believing he might marry you., an abusive man who has not married you yet you are bothered about what people will say. A man, on the other hand, will sharply let go of an abusive lady or lazy woman. Did you think the “take home to mamma” was just a joke?
In this capitalist world, anyone can purchase a ring. So be careful! A man buying a ring and sliding through your fingers does not necessarily qualify him for a husband. The decision of who to marry is crucial and we must grow beyond the age of ‘love at 1st sight’. If you are not convicted about a future with someone, please don’t start a relationship, enjoy friendship. Entering a committed relationship with the promise of a ring to then discover the person, is evil. I understand a break up is better than a divorce, but those are extremes that can ameliorate if we choose to be responsible and act with self control. It is hurtful and shameful to engage and disengage for reasons you were aware of before the engagement, except you’re a police officer who is engaged on duty and then disengaged from duty. No one goes into marriage to be become single.
There is much more to having a ring and being engaged. I confess that at some or several point, I also wanted a ring despite the timeline me and then boyfy had mapped out. It became more pressing for me because other well suited men will make advances at me on the grounds that I was not married or had no ring. Distance made it even more difficult. It is more frustrating being on Instagram (you should know what I mean). Honestly, now I have my ring and I even forget what it looks like at times. (Well, that’s not true). The ring means so much to me but the commitment and friendship with my now finance is most desirable. Wearing it has not stopped some men from relating with you how they want to. The ring doesn’t necessarily change the melody of your relationship, in the sense that If you had anger issues or unforgiveness in your dating, the ring won’t put an end to that. The ring doesn’t stop him from looking outside neither does it stop her from living the lifestyle she chooses. For me, there is a peace that comes with it. When our misunderstandings seem like it will break us, I remember his sacrifice, his words, his promise, how much we have grown together and that nothing should be so heavy to break us. At that point, the clarity of the diamond or the proposal story is worthless. That my fiancé flew miles to come propose hardly even comes to mind, BUT i’ll forever appreciate his kindness and relentless effort doing so.
It will come. If it will not come, it will not come. However, we must shift our emphasis from the ring. The concept of ring as a measure of love is a burgeoning culture from hollywood which we often sell our heart to easily. Should you engage in a trade with someone who has purely commercial interests off your future?
Girl, make a decision today on what you desire. If it was really the commitment, the type of ring should not be primary. After I got engaged and after researching all the luxurious and fanciful rings (I had ideas of what I liked, none of which I can afford. If I was to buy any, i’d sell every bit of investment and savings I have). I thought I would get just what I wanted; however, none of the rings I looked at was close to what I got. The people you surround yourself with is key. I started to get vibes about my ring not being good enough for me and such energy. Foolish me bought into it and it really affected a lot. I could have lost my relationship, while trading commitment for fancy or peoples approval. But thank God!
I realize that metal or no metal, white or yellow diamond, emerald or princess, clarity or no clarity, all these are totally inconsequential to having a healthy and committed relationship with a friend. What is having the fanciest and world’s most expensive ring when you can not even maintain a relationship? What is having a ring for a year or two only to start jumping for a bouquet.
This won’t apply to everyone because not everyone is after the same thing in life and in relationships generally. Also circumstances are very different. Some relationships at whatever stage may need to called off when all internal and external effort has been tried. I want peace, love, romance, faithfulness and friendship much before many instagram likes, money and accolades.
These things happen and we ought to learn and refocus our priorities.
I am no expert but I thought that sharing my experiences, mistakes and thoughts will help one person to enjoy his/her relationship.